Skybus

In an industry plagued by failing companies and bankruptcies, one might think that the airlines wouldn't be the ideal candidate for a potential new start-up.

One would be wrong.

Chief Executive Bill Diffenderffer started with $160 million and completely redesigned the airline business model from the ground up. Say hello to Skybus, where an airline ticket costs as little as 10 bucks.

No, our monkeys didn't mistype that. Ten dollars. Diez dólares. Dieci dollari.

Beginning in May, Skybus began flying Between Burbank, California and Columbus, Ohio. Flights were soon added between Bellingham, Washington and Columbus, then between San Diego and Columbus. As of this article, Skybus is flying five Airbus A319s on routes from Columbus to 11 cities nationwide. If everything goes according to schedule, we'll see 80 Airbus A319s flying to various cities across the US.

So how do they do it? What's their secret?

First of all, only the first ten seats actually sell for $10. After these seats sell-out, the price increases to $50, with incremental price increases of $25 as more seats sell, up to $175 for the remaining available seats. The average cost of a one-way ticket is around $100 if you don't manage to get in early.

And by early, we mean, like, immediately. Within hours of being posted, the $10 fares on every flight for the entire year were sold-out online. Carmen Hulbert, Skybus's Director of Marketing, likened it to a feeding frenzy.

But still, even if you paid $100 for your ticket, that's a hell of a lot better than what you're going to find anywhere else. Skybus managed to sell 86% of their seats in their first month of business, which is incredible for an airline just getting its wheels up.

Okay, so you want to book a flight; how do you do it? Call their 1-800 number and talk to a customer service representative?

Wrong. There is no spoon, there is no 1-800 number, and there are no customer service representatives. You have to buy your ticket on their website.

So you log onto their website and reserved a seat. Now you head to the airport and look for the Skybus counter. Don't expect to see a smiling employee standing by to wait on you; you have to pay homeage to one of the automated kiosks. Have bags to check? It will cost you $5 extra per bag.

Hey, now. Wait one damn minute! Why do we have to pay extra to check our bags? Well, if you think about it, you pay that extra amount at traditional airlines, too. It's factored in to the inflated cost of your ticket. With Skybus, you're only paying that extra cost if you are actually using the service.

Alright. So the attendants help you check your bags. 30 minutes before your flight, these same attendants move to the gate to help board passengers. Meanwhile, since there is no separate cleaning crew, the flight attendants are cleaning the cabin and preparing it for your arrival.

Like Southwest Airlines, Skybus doesn't have assigned seating. If you want to get first dibs, you can pay another $10 for priority boarding.

So now you know this is Skybus, and they are all about cutting costs. You board the plane, expecting to find a bare-bones aircraft, probably with rows of plastic folding chairs instead of aisles of seats. Actually, the Airbus A319 is first-class. The seats are made of plush leather and are designed by the same Italian dude who makes the seats for Ferrari sports cars. It also has wider aisles for moving about.

The cost savings is in the leg-room.

There is approximately two inches less leg-room than in traditional airliners. This means Skybus can cram in 20 more passengers for a total of around 134.

Don't expect television shows, movies, or music. No complimentary lunch. Free pretzels? Forget about it. You'll be paying separate for any drinks, food, pillows, or blankets, but remember: you were already paying for this crap before in the inflated cost of traditional airline tickets. With Skybus, you only pay if you want the service.

Flight attendants are also paid less and work on a 10% commission. You can expect to find them roving up and down the aisles and peddling their wares. $10 for a meal. $2 for a soda or candy bar. A bud light for $5. They'll even try to sell you perfume, watches, and jewelry during the flight.

You'll see advertisements on the flight attendants shirts. You'll see advertisements on the over head bins. You'll see them on the carpet, and you might even see them on the outside of the airplane itself; nationwide Insurance paid $100,000 to have its logo pained on one of the Airbus A319s.

Keep in mind, Skybus doesn't do connecting flights. Not only does this cut down on the amount of lost luggage, but it saves time and money by ensuring that every aircraft is flying in a straight line to its intended destination without detours.

You also won't find Skybus at any of the major airports. You'll be landing in podunk towns like Chicopee, Massachusetts, and Burbank, California.

Why?

The average taxi-time at major airports is around 30 minutes. At smaller ones, its closer to 10 minutes. A half-hour weather delay at a major airport might result in a two-hour backlog. At smaller airports, there is no backlog. Less time waiting around equals less man-hours, less fuel burning, and more money in the pocket.

Our only question is, why didn't someone think of this sooner? Hell, why didn't we think of this? It's so simple, yet so genius.

Only time will tell if Skybus's business model will be a success, but you can bet that we'll be investing in Bill Diffenderffer's brain child if we ever see it stroll onto Wallstreet.

Lake Tawakoni State Park Giant Spider Web

45 miles east of Dallas, Texas, spiders have spun a web that stretches along 200-yards of a nature trail in the Lawakoni State Park. Seven trees and numerous bushes are blanketed by the web, which also spills across the ground.

"At first, it was so white it looked like fairyland," said park Superintendent Donna Garde. "Now it's filled with so many mosquitoes that it's turned a little brown. There are times you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs."

Serves them right, the dirty blood-sucking bastards. Music to our ears, this lovely mosquito genocide.

In spite of the joy of hearing the shrieks of millions of dying mosquitoes, the thought of arachnids falling from the sky is a little much for some. Visitors to the Lake Tawakoni State Park either love it or hate it. Stalwarts from the media, however, were not to be deterred. Park officials have had to post guards along the trail to protect the giant spider web against the curious poking and prodding of grubby little fingers, and the flow of spectators is expected to increase over the weekend.

What caused these friendly little web-crawlers to create such a massive structure? Was it a group project by social spiders, working together in harmony, or was it solitary spiders spinning separate webs in an attempt to move away from one another? Perhaps it was the crack spider up to his usual tricks? Or, as Al Gore would have you believe, is this just another sign of the impeding doom that is global warming?

Although heated debate amongst entomology experts has taken place over the internet, the root cause of this phenomenon is still undecided. Superintendent Donna Garde wants the experts to investigate the web in person. A valid point, since the only scientific fact determined thus far has been that arguing over the internet is like the Special Olympics; even if you win, you're still retarded.

Herbert Pase, a Texas Forest Service entomologist, said, "From what I'm hearing, it could be a once in a lifetime event."

However, don't expect Lake Tawakoni State Park's giant spider web to stick around long enough to become the eighth wonder of the world. In fact, it probably won't last longer than late October, when the spiders complete their part in the circle of life, curl up their legs, and die, thus ending their tragically short existence.

Isn't nature a beautiful thing?

How You Doin' Matt LeBlanc

Former Friends ladies man, Matt LeBlanc, is currently being sued to the tune of $1,000,000.

Carmille Cerio, his ex-business manager, said that Matt signed an agreement stating that she would receive 15% of his earnings for "pilot and series derived from Friends Like Us and subsequent jobs derived henceforth."

Friends Like Us was the original title for NBC's Friends. Thank God they changed it before release.

Matt cut ties with his business manager in 2000, but she is still demanding payment for the the 2001-2004 seasons of Friends as well as its spin-off series, Joey.

It breaks our heart to see Matt LeBlanc come under fire. Many of us here on the Trendonyms.com staff were -- and still are -- faithful fans of Joey Tribbiani, Matt LeBlanc's ever-loveable character on Friends.

As a tribute, here are some of our favorite lines from the show.

Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it]
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name.
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it!
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: That's right. I'm taking the essence.

Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

Joey: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!

Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.

Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.

Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.

Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom.
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then --
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact "homo sapiens", could that be why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey! I'm not judging here.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.

[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]
Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler: I hope he did.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.

[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.

[Chandler walks in]
Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.

Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: I don't have another level.

Rachel: How do I ask a guy out?
Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing?
Rachel: Eww.
Joey: [turns to Phoebe] How you doing?
Phoebe: [giggles] Just fine.

[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right.
[jumps up]

Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
[yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass.
[to Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it.'
[does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years.
Chandler: Joey...
Joey: You want to make it six?

Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award.
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend?
Phoebe: A month.
Monica: Really? I'd say two or three.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'.

Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who likes the picture so much.

Joey: I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
Chandler: That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm not an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
Monica: There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to cook naked, you might be willing to dance naked.

Ross: Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right. Thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a great idea?
Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my God!

Joey: [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true.
Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.

[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]
Joey: You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e

Joey: Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!

Joey: How you doin'?

Miss Teen South Carolina Don't Need No Edumacation

More beauty pageant misfortune. On last Friday night's Miss Teen USA pageant, tragedy struck.

Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, was asked, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. why do you think this is?"

And her brain malfunctioned. "I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because ... uh ... some people out there in our nation don't have maps and ... ah ... I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq -- everywhere like such as -- and I believe that they should ... uh ... our education over here in the US should help the US ... er, or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our ..."

A sphincter says what?

When questioned by a South Carolina newspaper, The State, Lauren said, "I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't expecting the question. I lost my train of thought."

Sorry, Lauren, but you did do something wrong. In fact, you did three things wrong. One, you didn't expect the question. Two, you lost your train of thought. Three, you opened your mouth and poured forth a great flood of nonsensery.

NBC's Today Show gave Lauren Upton a second shot at the question. After several rehearsals in the dressing room mirror, she passed with flying colors. "Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography."

For the record, Lauren is a varsity athlete and student leader at Lexington High School, where she sports a 3.5 GPA. Yes, she was on national television, and we know the pressure was intense. "Everything did come at me at once. I was overwhelmed, and I made a mistake. Everybody makes a mistake. I'm human," she said. "I seriously think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question."

The best part? Lauren Upton placed third in the competition.

Cocaine Drug Submarine

US Border Patrol agents spotted three plastic pipes skimming along the ocean's surface some 300 miles from Costa Rica. Suspicions aroused, they discovered a semi-submersible homemade submarine trying to sneak its way through international waters at a speed of seven miles-per-hour. The US Coast Guard, FBI, Drug Enforcement Administration, and Columbian officials were called in to intercept the vessel. When the four-man crew realized the game was up, they strapped on their life perservers and tried to flood the ship.

However, officials were able to recover 11 bales of cocaine; estimates have the total payload at five tons and valued at over $350 million. The four men were arrested and each was issued an ever-fashionable orange jumpsuit.

While drug smugglers are using more and more sophisticated means to get their goods into the US, a Customs and Border Patrol representative told us that using submarines was relatively uncommon. "There have been recorded cases involving these sorts of vessels, but they are extremely rare."

So far this year, the Border Patrol has confiscated more than 32 tons of cocaine with a street value of $2,200,000,000; that's $2.2 billion if you're having trouble with all those zeros. Now that's a lot of blow.

Last March, the Coast Gaurd made the largest maritime bust in history, intercepting a Panamanian ship carrying 20 tons of cocaine.

59 Year Old Mike Flynt to Play Division III Football

In 1965, Mike Flynt was on the first state championship football team at Odessa Permian, the high school featured in Friday Night Lights. He went on to play college ball at Sul Ross as a linebacker and ended his junior year as a team captain and leading tackler.

However, Mike had a propensity for fighting, and when he got into another fist fight at the beginning of his senior year, school officials decided it was the last straw. They threw him out of Sul Ross and off the football team. He finished his degree by completing his remaining classes at another school.

He went on to become a certified Master of Fitness Sciences, youth fitness trainer, and a former strength and conditioning specialist at the University of Nebraska, University of Oregon, and Texas A&M University. He is also the owner and inventor of the Powerbase Training System, a portable device that utilizes resistance tubing attached to a plastic base to provide progressive resistance to the user.

In spite of his success, Mike is still grieving over the loss of his senior year. "What really got me was I felt that was my football team and I had let them down," he said. "I don't know if I ever got over it, but I finally learned to live with it."

Then, not long ago, Sul Ross alumni held a reunion, and Mike Flynt got a chance to get together with his former teammates and reminisce. Over a couple of beers, Mike told them of his regret. "What really gets me is that I feel like I can still play."

"So why not give it a shot?" they asked.

And Mike Flynt, now 59 years old, decided he'd do just that.

When he returned home to his wife, she wasn't as excited about the prospect as her husband. "I feel like I'm married to Peter Pan," she laughed.

Mike Flynt returned to Sul Ross after a 37-year hiatus. He tried out for the Division III team, and on Wednesday, he found out he made the roster. He could be taking the field as soon as September 1st as the oldest player in NCAA history. He's a grandfather, he's eight years older than his coach, and he has two kids older than any of his teammates.

Keep in mind he also runs a five second 40-yard dash and still bench presses a hell of a lot more than most men half his age.

Mike Flynt is an inspiration to middle-aged men everywhere and proof that, if you maintain a high level of fitness and pride in your appearance, there is no limit to what you can do. As Cartman would say, "Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!"

Litchfield Elementary School District Plagued by Porn

Students and parents surfing the Litchfield Elementary School District's website found quite a surprise if they accidentally mistyped the school website's domain name. Typing lesd.com instead of lesd.k12.az.us brought up images of naked women with bouncing breasts coupling with young muscled men.

Someone had parked the dot com version of the school's website on porn.

Buying up domain names that are spelled similarly to other, more popular websites is nothing new. Take for example whitehouse.com, which directed users to -- what else -- a porn website until it was sold in 2004.

But picking a website similar to an elementary school website and redirecting it to porn? Perhaps that's taking it a bit too far.

Attempts to appeal to the better nature of the owner of lesd.com proved unsuccessful. "Buy the domain yourself or shut the hell up," was his bottom line.

However, Litchfield Elementary school District officials and parents didn't want to dish out the kind of cash for which he was asking, opting instead to spend it on their children's education.

Alright, the game's up. We know you've tried visiting lesd.com for a peek at those bouncing breasts. "But ... but ... my finger slipped on my mouse and clicked!" Yeah, yeah. Don't try to deny it; we've heard it all before. As you might have noticed, lesd.com now redirects you to Google.com. It seems pressure from parents and the media finally brought the website's owner to his senses.

In related news, last week someone mistyped a link on the Litchfield Elementary School District's website. Instead of taking users to the online meal payments page, it brought them to a online gambling site.

Whoops.

Aerogel and You

Aerogel may very well be the next step in mankind's technological evolution. Ironically, it was first invented in 1931 by Steven Kistler as a result of a bet over who could replace the liquid inside of a jar with gas without causing it to shrink. However, initial versions of aerogel proved too brittle and too costly for practical application, and it wasn't until recently that NASA took an interest in it.

Also known as frozen smoke, aerogel is made by extracting water from a silica gel and replacing it with a gas such as carbon dioxide. While it is chemically similar to ordinary glass, it is composed of 99.8% air, and with a weight just three times that of air, it is the world's lightest solid. In spite of its low density, it is also the world's best insulator; a one-inch thick pane of aerogel provides the same insulation as 15 panes of glass.

Including best insulator and lowest density solid, it holds 15 records in the Guinness Book of World Records.

In 2002, NASA company Aspen Aerogel produced a stronger and more flexible version of aerogel which is being used to develop an insulated lining in spacesuits for the first manned-mission to Mars, scheduled for 2018. An 18mm thick layer of this frozen smoke will protect astronauts from temperatures as low as -202 degrees Fahrenheit.

Previously too expensive for commercial uses, recent advances in technology have lowered its price tag and brought this revolutionary material into the consumer market.

Earlier this year, a resident of Nottingham, Great Britain became the first to install aerogel in his home as insulation. The results? "Heating has improved significantly. I turned the thermostat down five degrees. It’s been a remarkable transformation."

Okay. So it's great for insulating spacesuits and houses, but what else is aerogel good for?

How about bomb-proof armor for military vehicles and our troops? During testing, a metal plate coated in 6mm of aerogel was left virtually unscathed by a dynamite blast.

Sports? Dunlop has developed a line of squash and tennis rackets strengthened by aerogel, which are said to deliver more power.

Outdoor enthusiasts benefit as well. Last year, a British mountaineer climbed Mount Everest using boots with aerogel insoles and sleeping bags padded with aerogel. When asked to comment on the effectiveness of aerogel in these sub-arctic conditions, she said, "My feet were too hot."

Aerogel also has the potential to have a profound impact on our environment. Because of its chemical properties, it acts like a super-sponge capable of cleaning pollutants from the air, ground, and water.

Aerogel's potential is limitless. We could spend forever dreaming up uses for it. Imagine not only the gas mileage, but the safety rating of a car made primarily of aerogel. Unbreakable aerogel dishes? Soda bottles? Aerogel coffee mugs that would keep your joe steaming hot for hours? Earmuffs ... cushions ... oven mitts ... packing peanuts ... snowboards, skis, and surfboards ... couches ... refrigerators ... tires ... we could go on for days. Can you imagine how easy it would be to move with furniture that weighed only three times more than air? We know our Soldiers in Iraq would love to trade in their 80 pounds of body armor and battle-rattle for an aerogel suit.

What uses can you think of for aerogel? Aerogel condoms, anyone? Yes? No? Tell us your ideas!

Christy Newlin - Cop's Wife By Day, Prostitute by Night

Like Superman's alter ego, Clark Kent, Christy Newlin lives a double life. For part of it, she poses as a mild-mannered housewife of a sheriff's deputy in Oakland County, Michigan.

"Good morning dear. I hope you slept well. Here, I made you bacon and eggs. And coffee, too, yes, just how you like it. Two scoops of sugar and just a smidgen of milk. I love you too, dear. Be safe. I'll see you when you get home from work."

As her husband, Randy Newlin, pulls out of the driveway, 45-year old Christy Newlin peeks out the window to make sure he is gone. Then, she slips into a chair in front of her computer. It's time for business. She checks her website, where she advertises her "services" and rates ... $250 an hour. Then she checks her e-mail. Excellent. She has a client. Arrangements are made to meet at a discreet hotel. Christy Newlin strips out of her Clark Kent disguise and becomes Woman of the Night.

Woman of the Night travels to the hotel. Money changes hands. Dirty things happen. Woman of the Night returns home and resumes her role as Christy Newlin, the mild-mannered housewife.

12 years pass.

Fortunately, an anonymous caller tipped off Sherrif Michael Bouchard, ending Christy Newlin's double-life. She is currently free on bond and will face preliminary charges on Monday. Her husband has not been charged and claims he had no knowledge of her alter ego.

Can you imagine finding out that your wife has been whoring herself for the last twelve years of your marriage? Not even Superman could have kept that one hidden. We don't know if we should applaud her for her cunning or bitch-slap her into next week.

Charlene Corley Charges Government Millions for Some Nuts and Bolts

Darlene Corley Wooten and Charlene Corley owned and operated C&D Distributors out of Lexington, South Carolina. They had a contract with the government to supply our troops with the necessary equipment to fight the War on Terror, shipping parts and supplies to high-priority conflict areas.

Somehow, the two discovered a little flaw in the government's accounting system; any item marked as priority and destined for Iraq or Afghanistan was paid for automatically without oversight. Over the course of the next six years, the Corley sisters went to town, cleaned house, and made a fortune.

The government would buy two 19 cent washers; the Corleys would charge $998,798 for shipping. Three machine screws for $1.31 plus $455,009 shipping. An 89 cent split washer? Shipping will cost you $293,451.

In total, just over $68,000 worth of equipment was purchased, and total shipping charges came to $20.5 million. Cha-ching.

Last September, a bill from C&D Distributors for two more 19 cent washers and shipping charges of $969,000 caught the eye of a purchasing agent. After six years, someone thought to think that a million dollars in shipping was suspicious.

Six years ...

We'd recommend giving this guy a promotion, but that would suck all of the intelligence out of the purchasing agent pool.

A more thorough review of past shipping invoices for all contractors revealed that fraudulent billing is, quote, "not a widespread problem." Interpretation: "Our records only go back three months."

After being brought up on charges, one of the Corley sisters, Darlene, took her own life by gunshot rather than own up to her crimes and face justice. The other, Charlene Corley, was charged with conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering. She faces twenty years for each offense and fines up to $500,000.

$500,000 in fines for stealing $20.5 million from the government? We don't see the logic. Obviously a purchasing agent must have thought that one up. The government plans on recouping its losses by auctioning off the numerous homes, beach property, jewelry, and automobiles that the sisters bought.

We'll be bookmarking eBay in hopes of snatching up a good deal.

Good Cop, Baby Cop

Yesterday, Will Ferrell was confronted by his heartless landlord. Once a powerful celebrity, he squandered his fortune and fame on horoscope readings and garden gnomes and is struggling to pay his rent to avoid eviction. Things couldn't get much worse for the Hollywood star, right?

Wrong.

Accused of murder, he sits stoically in an interrogation room, adamantly professing his innocence. When the police are unable to break him, they send in their best.

They send in Pearl.

The Landlord

The following video is a gripping documentary of the life of one man forced to live under the totalitarian rule of an unforgiving landlord. In spite of the smashing success of blockbuster hits such as Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Stranger Than Fiction, and The Thin Pink Line, Will Ferrell is down on his luck. When he is unable to pay his rent, his landlord, known only as Pearl, makes an unannounced visit which culminates in a gut-wrenching confrontation that ... well, we don't want to give away the ending. Just watch the video.

Warning: Strong language. Parental discretion is advised.

Stay tuned next week for the second and final installment starring Will Ferrell and the heartless Pearl.

Leroy Greer's 1-800-flowers.com Gift Goes Awry

Hot on the heels of Perfect 10's lawsuit against Microsoft, we bring you yet another tale of legal woe.

Leroy Greer, a luxury car sales manager from Missouri City, is a bit of a romantic. He ordered a dozen roses and a cuddly teddy bear for his girlfriend through 1-800-flowers.com. The included card read, "Just wanted to say I love you, and you mean the world to me! Leroy". Aw, isn't he sweet?

However, there was a slight complication. 1-800-flowers.com sent the receipt to Leroy Greer's house and, in addition to a girlfriend, good ol' Leroy has a wife.

Leroy's wife grew increasingly suspicious after she opened the receipt. Apparently, she hadn't gotten any flowers from her husband in a long time. She called up 1-800-flowers.com and asked them to fax her information about the purchase.

They sent her the fax, which included the damning card as well as the girlfriend's name and address. Leroy Greer's wife, in turn, faxed the receipt to her husband at work along with her own handwritten note across the bottom of the page: "Be a man! If you got caught red handed then don't still lie."

Whoops.

While the two had already been considering a divorce, this pretty much sealed the deal for poor Leroy.

Meanwhile, Leroy Greer has filed a $1,000,000 lawsuit against 1-800-flowers.com to pay for his "mental anguish" and the increased cost of his court fees.

1-800-flowers.com has said that they will not take responsibility for an individual's personal conduct ... or misconduct, as the case may be. But if not them, then who else could be to blame? Certainly not Leroy Greer. After all, he specifically requested that no receipt be mailed to his home or address, and he is too busy pointing the finger of blame at everyone but himself to be held accountable.

Perseid Meteor Shower

Get your wishes ready. The Perseid meteor shower is a yearly event that peaks around August 12th, at which time the rate of falling meteors, AKA falling stars, reaches over one hundred per hour.

The Perseid meteor shower occurs as the earth moves through the orbit of the Swift-Tuttle comet. Although Swift-Tuttle passes through our solar system only once every 130 years or so, it leaves a trail of meteor debris in its wake. These meteors enter the earth's atmosphere traveling at approximately 37 miles per second and are visible mostly in the northeast near the Perseus constellation.

The Perseid meteor shower should reach its peak around 1:00 am central time on Sunday. As an added bonus, the moon is just beginning a new cycle, so you won't have to contend with moonlight. Just stay away from big city lights and pollution for best results and a clear view of what's sure to be a spectacular light show.

The majority of these meteors will burn up in the atmosphere long before reaching earth, so don't expect to catch a sequel to Armageddon on video. However, a grapefruit-sized meteorite did crash through the roof of a house in New Zealand in June of 2004. It hit a sofa, bounced back up to the ceiling, and came to rest under a nearby computer. The meteorite was estimated to be worth approximately $5,000, which would have been just enough to cover the cost of repairs.

Perfect 10 Sues Microsoft and Other Stupid Lawsuits

It seems like every other day someone is suing somebody else for something or other. We thought we'd heard it all.

Until now.

Perfect10, a publisher of nude model photography, is suing Microsoft for linking to websites that contain illegally obtained reproductions of their material. The suit claims that Microsoft's search engine creates unauthorized access to their images and that the search engine also indexes websites that distribute passwords to Perfect10's website.

The company also filed similar lawsuits against Google and Amazon over copyright infringement.

Add this one to a growing list of stupid lawsuits. Here are some other doozies.

- A man sued Michael Jordan for looking like him.

- A convict sued the state when he got a jar of creamy peanut butter and a jar of chunky peanut butter after he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter.

- A woman sued McDonalds when she spilled coffee and burnt herself.

- Another woman sued McDonalds after she was disfigured by an extremely hot pickle.

- Parents of a girl who drowned after running her car off the road while intoxicated sued Honda for making a seatbelt that could not be unbuckled by a drunk while underwater.

- A man sued Anheuser-Bush because bikini clad women did not appear to play volleyball and invite him back to their room after he drank beer.

- The Beatles sued Apple Computer because the name was too similar to their Apple Corps record label.

- A convict sued himself for violating his own civil rights by allowing himself to get alcohol, which instigated his criminal behavior.

- A man sued a strip club for whiplash after a stripper swung her breasts into his face.

- A transit company sued a group of cleaning women for car-pooling instead of continuing to use their service.

- A man named Jack Ass sued Viacom for plagiarizing his name with the MTV Show, Jackass.

- Cheerleaders sued their school after they were cut from the squad without just cause.

- A convenient store clerk sued after she injured her back while straining to open a pickle jar.

- Composer John Cage sued a band for copying one of his tracks, which contained nothing but silence.

- A man sued various fast food restaurants for making him fat.

- A woman sued Universal Studios because their haunted house was too scary.

- A man sued his wife for reading his mail after he asked her not to.

- A convict sued police after he got frostbite because they couldn't catch him fast enough.

- A teenager sued her coach for his poor teaching style that ruined her chances of an athletic scholarship.

... and we're spent.

Barry Bonds 756 Home Run Ball Sets New Record

The San Francisco Giants outfielder hit his 756th home run last night off a full-count pitch from Washington National’s pitcher Mike Bacsik, sending the ball sailing 435 feet over the right-center field wall and breaking the record that had been held by Hank Aaron for the last 33 years.

I’m excited,” Mike Bacsik said. “I dreamed about this when I was a kid. Unfortunately, when I dreamed about it, I was the one hitting the home run …” Ironically, Mike is the son of a former major leaguer who pitched to Hank Aaron when Hank had 755 home runs as well.

As soon as the ball left the bat, Barry knew he had done it. He threw his arms up in the air and watched it sail over the fence. Fans cheered and fireworks burst over the stadium as he circled the bases, where he was greeted by his teammates and his family, including his Godfather, Willie Mays.

The previous record of 755 home runs was set by Hank Aaron in 1974, who broke Babe Ruth’s 1935 record of 714. Hank, however, was not in attendance for Barry Bonds’ big night.

"It’s really not a big concern of mine," he said. "I don’t know why I should have to do anything. I might send him a telegram and that would be the extent of it."

You know you’re old if you still use the word telegram.

Although he wasn’t present, Hank Aaron did offer a taped message of congratulations that played on the stadium’s video board.

"I would like to offer my congratulations to Barry Bonds on becoming baseball's career home run leader. It is a great accomplishment which requires skill, longevity and determination. Throughout the past century, the home run has held a special place in baseball, and I have been privileged to hold this record for 33 of those years. I move over now and offer my best wishes to Barry and his family on this historical achievement. My hope today, as it was on that April evening in 1974, is that the achievement of this record will inspire others to chase their own dreams."

A phone call to Hammerin’ Hank’s home in Georgia shortly after Barry Bonds’ broke his record was answered by a woman, who told us that the baseball legend was asleep.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig also failed to make an appearance at the historic event, which makes us wonder if we should be reading anything into his absence. You see, Barry Bond’s record remains a mark of controversy. That mark is an asterisk.

The asterisk made its first appearance in major league baseball in 1961 when Roger Maris broke Babe Ruth’s single-season home run record of 60 games. Why? Because the Babe set his record in an era when a baseball season was only 154 games. However, Roger Maris set the record after baseball seasons had been extended, hitting home run number 61 on the last day of a 162 game season. It took 30 years before that asterisk was officially removed from the record.

Maris’s record stood for 32 years. Then, it was broken by both Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire in 1998. In 1999, they broke it again. In 2001, Sammy broke it for a third time … and so did Barry Bonds, setting a new single-season home run record of 73.

However, in 2005, the House Government Reform Committee called a congressional hearing on steroid use in Major League Baseball, during which all three players came under suspicion.

Senator Jim Bunning, who pitched for the big leagues in the ‘50s and ‘60s and was inducted into the Hall of Fame, remarked, "When I played with Henry Aaron, Willie Mays, and Ted Williams, they didn't put on 40 pounds, and they didn't hit more home runs in their late thirties as they did in their late twenties. What's happening in baseball is not natural, and it's not right."

Senator Jim went on to say that that the records of steroid abusers should be marked by an asterisk or thrown out entirely. "Wipe all their records out. Take them away. They don't deserve them."

Barry Bond’s personal trainer, Greg Anderson, was convicted of purchasing steroids from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO) and distributing them. He served three months in jail and has since returned to jail after refusing to testify against Barry before another grand jury.

Barry, on the other hand, denies having taken steroids. "This record is not tainted at all,” he said. “At all. Period. You guys can write anything you want.”

The book, Game of Shadows: Barry Bonds, BALCO, and the Steroids Scandal that Rocked Professional Sports, points out that Barry Bonds produced stats in his late 30s -- an age when an athlete’s performance historically begins to decline -- that literally dwarfed those of his prime years.

From the age of 27 to 33, Barry's single season home record was 46, and his average was 37. From the age of 35 to 39, he averaged 52 home runs a year, including his record breaking 73 in 2001.

While you’re digesting all of that, let’s follow that historic ball.

Home run ball #756 sailed into the stands behind right-center field, glanced off Brian Herman’s finger, and was immediately swarmed by a legion of punching, biting, scratching, and eyeball gouging fans.

Matt Murphy, a 22 year old Mets fan from Queens who happened to be passing through San Francisco on his way to Australia and bought tickets to the game on a whim, came up with a bloodied face, torn clothes, and the ball. Security guards waded into the mess and escorted Matt to safety. The ball he was carrying, after all, is estimated to be worth anywhere from $400,000 to $500,000.

When asked if he had plans to acquire it, Barry Bonds said, “I don't want the ball. I never, ever believed a home run ball belonged to a player. If he caught it, it's his."

So what’s next for Barry? He says he plans to be back next year, which is probably a good thing if he wants to hold onto his new record.

Alex Rodriguez recently became the youngest player in baseball history to break 500 home runs at the age of 32 and is far ahead of the pace Barry set. He’s hit an average of 44 home runs a season for almost a decade, and if he can maintain for another seven years, he’ll break Barry Bonds’ record in 2014.

But like we said before, most players experience a significant drop in numbers once they hit their late 30s. It remains to be seen whether Alex will follow that trend or, like Barry Bonds, have some kind of super mid-life crisis that inspires him to outperform his youth.

Regardless of any controversy, there can be no doubt that Barry Bonds has made his mark on baseball history over the course of his 22-year career. What remains to be seen is if that mark is an asterisk or not.

Here are his career stats from 1986 to 2007, during which time he won the National League MVP title seven times.

Games: 2,958 (#11 all-time)
At Bats: 9,774 (#30 all-time)
Runs: 2,212 (#3 all-time)
Hits: 2,915 (#35 all-time)
Doubles: 599 (#14 all-time)
Triples: 77 (#294 all-time)
Home Runs: 756 (#1 all-time)
Runs Batted In: 1,981 (#5 all-time)
Stolen Bases: 514 (#32 all-time)
Base on Balls: 2,540 (#1 all-time)

What, you think we’d leave out the video? Not a chance. Here’s a clip of Barry Bonds cranking number 756 out of the park.

Hillary Clinton Nutcracker with Stainless Steel Thighs

Courtesy of the fine folks at the Little Bear Trading Post of Rochester, Minnesota, we bring you … drum roll, please … the Hillary Clinton nutcracker.

Standing nine-inches tall, the Hillary Clinton nutcracker comes complete with serrated, stainless steel thighs able to crack even the toughest nuts. Its inventor, Frank Freeman, claims that the product isn’t intended to make a statement; he’s just hoping to have some fun and make a buck.

A spokeswoman for Hillary Clinton’s campaign declined to comment after hearing the product described to her, although we’re not sure why. You just put your nuts between Hillary Clinton’s legs and give them a squeeze -- innocent enough, right?

Lynn Wilson, Chairwoman of the Olmsted County Democratic Farmer Labor Party, dismissed the Hillary Clinton nutcracker as an irrelevant novelty item. “We need to remember that this is a serious election,” she said.

Elections are indeed serious business. Thank you for the reminder, Mrs. Obvious. We had almost forgotten.

Currently, the Hillary Clinton nutcracker is only available at the Little Bear Trading Post. However, Frank Freeman plans to sell them in outlets in New York, DC, and other stores across the country. If you can’t wait for her stainless steel thighs to make their way to a store near you, you can find them online at HillaryNutcracker.com.

ShaveEverywhere.com Shave Everywhere

Remember Adam Sandler's The Buffoon and the Dean of Admissions, where the Dean admits, "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there"? Following in the same tradition, Philips Norelco launched their online campaign for the Bodygroom razor in May 2006 in order to bring to light the importance of manscaping. Manscaping, or male grooming below the beard, has been a sensitive subject in the past, but Philips Norelco's website shows a true sense of empathy and compassion for hairy-bodied men everywhere.

ShaveEverywhere.com features a friendly, young man in a bathrobe speaking candidly about the importance of manscaping. This guy in a robe, known only as Robe Guy, explains how the Bodygroom allows you to shave the hard to reach areas of your body with relative ease. While some of the language is bleeped out, images of peaches, peacons, and carrots clarify Robe Guy's message as he discusses shaving "the hard to reach locks on the underside of your [BEEP - peacans appear]" and the "extra optical inch on his [BEEP - carrot appears]."

Robe Guy is not exactly politically correct, so we probably won't be seeing him on television, print, or any other traditional advertising formats. However, Philips Norelco states that an estimated 60% of Bodygroom buyers made their purchase after watching Robe Guy's insiprational message on ShaveEverywhere.com, which is a testament to the viral nature and growing importance of internet marketing.

ShaveEverywhere.com also features a manscaping ballad sung by Robe Guy himself, and the website was recently updated with an educational video about the history of male deforestation. If you've got a back that looks like a shag carpet or a pair of [BEEP - peacans appear] that look like they belong on a chimpanzee, Robe Guy may be your knight in shining armor, Bodygroom your Excalibur, and ShaveEverywhere.com your Camelot.

Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Fastest Car in the World

The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is currently the fastest street-legal car in the world. With 1,001 horsepower of pure awesomeness and the equivalent of two V8 engines, the car requires a total of 10 radiators to keep it cool ... and cool it is; with a top speed of 251.2 miles per hour, the Bugatti Veyron 16.4 can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Unfortunately, you'll only be getting 2.1 miles per gallon at full throttle, so after about twelve minutes, you'll find yourself on the side of the road with the needle on empty and old ladies flipping you the bird as they pass by.

Although its price tag of $1.2 million might scare off a few people, it's potential as a conversation piece is worth it if you have a few bucks to spare. Check out these pics.

Michael Vick Chew Toy

Minnesota's minor league baseball team, the Saint Paul Saints, will be giving away 2,500 Michael Vick dog chew toys as an expression of their distaste for the Falcons quarterback's lurid affair with dog-fighting, which we covered in a previous article. The toy, which is a rubberized version of Mike sporting his Falcons' uniform, gives your pet a taste of sweet revenge as they tear the quarterback limb from limb. We recommend buying one for yourself as well; that way, if you get the urge to gnaw on Mike Vick's head, it won't taste like dog slobber.

Another minor league baseball team, the Long Beach Armada, plans to hold a Michael Vick Animal Awareness Day. Fans who bring in a Michael Vick jersey or other memorabilia to burn on a bonfire will receive free admission and a donation to a local animal rights organization.

Unbreakable Windows and Bad Idea Jeans

England's Rail Safety and Standards Board pulled on their bad idea jeans and created new safety standards that would require operators to install unbreakable glass in the passenger cars of trains. The decision was made following a study of seven crashes over the past decade during which 12 people had died after being thrown through windows during the crash sequence. These new unbreakable glass windows, made of laminated glass, would be able to withstand a beating from a sledgehammer. No one gets thrown out a window, and everyone is happy.

But what these studies didn't show was the number of people that survived because they could break the glass and climb out the windows.

However, the Rail and Safety Standards Board felt that allowing windows to be used as alternate escape routes wasn't worth the risk. Instead, they ordered train companies to draft emergency procedures which would require that passengers line up in an orderly fashion and wait to file out of the carriage's ends. Nevermind if your carriage is filling with smoke. Nevermind if one or both of the ends is blocked by debris or fire. Nevermind that all hell has broken loose. I guess the Rail Safety Standards board never did a case study of the Station Nightclub fire of 2003, during which 100 people were either burned or trampled to death.

Word of advice: The next time you go to the UK, don't travel by train.

Radioactive Boyscout At It Again

In 1994, David Hahn set about building a nuclear reactor in his parents' backyard shed using smoke detectors, camping lantern mantles, clocks, gun-sights, batteries, and other ever day household items. He wasn't a terrorist, and his intent wasn't to bring down the evil American Empire.

David Hahn hoped that the nuclear reactor would help him earn his Eagle Scout badge.

Any moron might have guessed that this little experiment had the potential to produce toxic levels of radiation. Unfortunately, David wasn't any moron. When his geiger counter told him that it was time to ixnay on the ottenray, he began to dismantle, but police caught wind of his extracurricular activities. After an investigation by the FBI and Nuclear Regulatory Commission, Mr. and Mrs. Hahn's quaint suburb home was declared a hazardous material cleanup site, but David eventually earned his Eagle Scout badge. Hey, you win some, you lose some, right?

Unfortunately, David Hahn's obsession with all things nuclear didn't end there.

Earlier this week, he was arrested and charged with stealing 16 smoke detectors. Police believe it to be another attempt at experimenting with radioactive materials. He is being held on $5,000 bond on felony larceny charges.

Did David Hahn learn his lesson, or is he still experimenting with radioactive materials? Police believe his mugshot may contain clues, but we may never know the real answer to this puzzling mystery.

Intel Apologizes for Racist Sprinter Ad

Intel officially apologized for their controversial Core 2 Duo Processor advertisement in a post on their corporate blog.

According to Nancy Bhagat, Intel's Director of User Experience, the advertisement was intended to "convey the performance capabilities of our processors through the visual metaphor of a sprinter." However, numerous individuals claimed that they found it insensitive and insulting. They saw not six sprinters ready to take off out of the gates, but six black men bowing to a smug, smiling white man.

Which begs the question: what the hell is a Director of User Experience?

In keeping with FitFlops' comprehensive case study, we surveyed a pool of one person in order to determine the popular public opinion toward this advertisement. The individual was asked to examine a cropped version of the advertisement sans text and describe what they saw. The result?

"I see six guys who don't belong in an office -- they look like divers in cubicles -- and one guy who looks like he belongs there."

It took some prodding for our test subject to realize the racial connotations of the image. "Oh, I didn't even realize they were black."

An interesting twist.

Let's assume Intel made the same mistake and were color-blind when they created their sprinter ad. However, the first thing those who found it "insensitive and insulting" saw was the color of the men's skin.

So who's the real racist here?

For the record, here's a copy of Intel's official apology plucked straight off their corporate blog.

Intel’s intent of our ad titled “Multiply Computing Performance and Maximize the Power of Your Employees” was to convey the performance capabilities of our processors through the visual metaphor of a sprinter. We have used the visual of sprinters in the past successfully.

Unfortunately, our execution did not deliver our intended message and in fact proved to be insensitive and insulting. Upon recognizing this, we attempted to pull the ad from all publications but, unfortunately, we failed on one last media placement.

We are sorry and are working hard to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Spiders on Drugs

In a recent post reference Faith Hill warning off an over-enthusiastic fan who helped herself to a handful of Tim McGraw's scrotum during their Soul2Soul tour, an anonymous comment caught our attention.

"Who cares about Country music? They are all hillbillies making fun of hillbillies to their faces... and they love it! This shit is IMPORTANT!"

It was obviously a well constructed argument, and it made us reflect on our recent content. Were the articles on Trendonyms.com losing their relevancy? After much consideration, several board meetings, and a much heated debate that culminated in fisticuffs between our Vice President and Marketing Director, we decided that, yes, in order to satisfy our readers, we needed something that would strike a chord and really get them thinking.

We first considering covering the collapse of the I35W bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota. However, we've made a vow to avoid negative news at all cost, so we decided against it. We also toyed with covering WebKinz or Nicole Richie's pregnancy. Again, not relevant enough. We wanted something more.

Several hundred man-hours later, we struck paydirt.

Our research team stumbled upon a video documentary produced by the National Film Board of Canada in conjunction with the Canadian Wildlife Service. The documentary was conducted in 1960; however, it was not made available to the public until recently. In it, Dr. Peter Witt uses a variety of narcotic stimulants on the common wood spider and observes their affects on the arachnid's web building and social behavior. Through it, we can find many striking and disturbing correlations between spiders and humans when exposed to these mind-altering drugs.

Hopefully, you find it both entertaining and educational.

Warning: The following film involves drug use and violence. Parental discretion is advised.

FitFlops

Just when you thought you'd heard it all.

Straight out of the UK and developed by British biochemists, the FitFlop is a sandal with a built-in "micro-wobbleboard" designed to destabilize your foot and create continuous tension in your muscles as you walk. It supposedly improves balance and posture, reduces cellulite, burns more calories, and firms up your thighs and glutes.

So basically ... you get a workout while you walk. Who would have thought? It's revolutionary, we know.

Oh, we're sure there are naysayers, but it's hard to argue with the extensive studies that the shoe's creators conducted in order to test the validity of their controversial claims. A comprehensive pool of 13 individuals were tested. We can only imagine the logistical nightmare of massing such a large group of people to ensure the study's accuracy.

Those who wore the FitFlop were said to show significant improvements after wearing the sandals for a few days. That's right. Strap these babies on and in a few days, you too can have lean, sexy legs. Maybe you can show them off while strolling around your ocean-front property in Arizona?

They aren't cheap, but don't think of it as paying $45 for a pair of cheap ass shoes. Think of it as paying $45 for a new pair of legs. Aren't you worth it?

Apparently, most people think they are. FitFlops have been disappearing off the shelves faster than stores can stock them.

When the product initially launched in Britian, 4,000 pairs were sold in less than three hours. In London, people found themselves on a waiting list over a thousand names long. Fights broke out, reminiscent of Cabbage Patch Kid days.

A month after launching in Britian, FitFlops hit the U.S., and the first shipment sold out in weeks. The second shipment sold out in mere days.

Pick up a pair at their website, TheFitFlop.com. If that's down (we got an internal server error when we checked it), Bath and Body Works sells them, too.

As an alternate, you could also try other controversial and unproven methods of toning your legs. For example, you may or may not have heard of "exercise " and/or "eating healthy." However, there has been very little study on these types of training ... certainly nothing as extensive as the 13 individuals tested wearing FitFlops.